Malt Madness

Live Blogging: Show Us Your Kilts Day '11

2011-02-13T22:53:00.012-06:00

Malt Madness presents three dudes' quest to brew many a tasty gallon o' Scotch Ale / Wee Heavy (aka Ben & Garrison's quest to actually brew it whilst MB attempts to document their progress).

10:20am: BtM and GK get things started by crushing a bunch of grain (pictured right) using the former's homemade "monster masher." In total, roughly 22 pounds of grain—including mostly base malt, plus chocolate malt & Belgian biscuit malt.

1:03pm: If I could jump ahead to the present for a moment (I'll return to recapping earlier events shortly), I'd like to mention that the 3 of us are currently enjoying the subtle complexity of Pittsburgh's finest: Iron City Beer, which is proudly recognized among a handful of American-made pale lagers to have successfully recreated the
taste experience of "inhaling the brewmaster's fart."

10:48am: The crushed grain meets the hot water and together they make enzymes and sugars are extracted. BtM does some stirring (left). I believe this is the process that BtM once put into terms I could understand as "making some oatmeal." This part of the process also marked, if I recall correctly, the debut of Garrison's mash tun.

1:39pm. BtM asks me to take charge of DJ duties in addition to blogging, then goes outside to check on the brewing. I respond by queuing the epic GnR track, "Estranged," on repeat. BtM comes back inside and says:

"Oh nice! Does this mean you're anticipating it being a long day? I assume this isn't on random then?"

No, not on random, my friend...just on repeat. It will about be another 28 minutes until the song ends and then promptly recommences. Will anyone notice? I will keep you posted

Right then, back to the brewing:

11:02am: GK realizes that some extra specialty chocolate malt is called for, and rides BtM's bike back to his place to retrieve it (left). Upon his return, the bike's owner reclaims his property with a quick jaunt (right) down Weeping Willow Street (note: actual name of street changed to protect confidentiality and throw the Iron City Brewmaster—who recently obtained just cause to "go Rowdy Roddy Piper" on this operation—off the scent).

2:05pm: "Estranged just started for the 3rd time. We're all in on the joke now. And it's not funny anymore. iTunes is now on random, and Bowie is playing. Good start.

12:21pm: The lads begin the lautering/sparging process, which entails taking the mash (i.e., the combination of hot water and crushed malts/grains) and draining the sugar-rich water into a separate container. The extracted sugary goodness is evidently referred to as "wort." In the photo to the right, GK is adding additional hot water to the mash—a step called "sparging" that helps guide the extracted sugars through that tube thing BtM is holding and into the wort pot (note: "wort pot" is not to my knowledge an actual beer term, but rather something I just pulled out of my ~~mass~~ mash ~~hole~~ tun).

1:03pm: Pictured (above) is a closeup of the wort. Notice the contrast between the color of the wort and the color of the gloves: the surest sign yet that the beer will not end up boasting the "latexy pinkish" hue that our detractors at Iron City Brewing had predicted.

3:35pm: the wort has been boiling for some time now. In other words, it's got a fever, and the only prescription is some "Challenger UK" hops...which have just been added:

3:43pm: iTunes' (random) DJ feature just started playing a song with very prominent bagpipes. Is it a sign?

3:47pm: Time to pause, and remember that there are certain stratospheres of literary excellence to which this live blog post can never hope to reach. Take it away Luca:

Sigh

2011-02-07T19:38:00.000-06:00

The ICPD tried to sneak another round of alcohol compliance checks past me, but luckily I happened to check the City of Iowa City website due to the storm last week and noticed it.

I won't waste time here with fancy words. On January 27th, the following bars sold to a 20-year old working with the police:

Mickey's
Piano Lounge
Pints
Sports Column

Our list is now:

Smitty's
Nick
HOL
One-Eyed Jake's
Bo James
Dublin
Savvy
Hills Bar & Grill
Slim's Saloon
Donnelly's
Hawkeye Hideway
Vito's
Union
Chappy's Dry Dock
Dawg House
Mickey's
Piano Lounge
Pints
Sports Column

Adivina quién está girando el gran 3-0????

2011-01-25T15:50:00.011-06:00

Megan es cumplir 30 este viernes, y qué mejor manera de celebrarlo que una fiesta y margaritas!

Ven y únete a nosotros para la fiesta, y tal vez podamos llegar a hacer 30 disparos tequila.

La Cava (by Texas Roadhouse)- 6 pm

Johnson County Love, the remix

2011-01-15T11:03:00.002-06:00

Inspired by Axe's shockingly awkward video, I thought "why not create the 'music' video we were all clamoring for a mere 13 months ago in this spectacular format?" I think I may have managed to ruin a classic post with my crazy idea, and for that I apologize (although I have yet to listen to it and not bust out laughing at least once).

While we've been away

2011-01-05T12:53:00.002-06:00

A good end makes for a good beginning.....

2010-12-17T08:39:00.002-06:00

As another year comes close to an end, let's celebrate our last happy hour with our winner-

TCB! and Happy Joes

See you at 6:00!

Do The Harlem Shuffle

2010-12-08T14:19:00.009-06:00

One-Eyed Jake's: Done. Summit: Reeling. Vito's: Circling the drain. 808: Toast.

Let's be honest. If we were to compare the exploits of Malt Madness to the music of, say, the Rolling Stones, surely these 3 four bars represent our "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction," "Jumpin' Jack Flash," ~~and~~ "Brown Sugar" and "Honky Tonk Women"—in short, our greatest hits.

I mean seriously, when you think of our greatest happy hour highs, pint-induced peaks, ale-induced apexes & Zima-induced zeniths, can you think of any that did not occur at either Jake's, Summit or Vito's, or 808? Me neither.

So what now? Is it time to throw in the towel? Move into the retirement home? No! I'll tell you what it's time for. It's time for our version of the "Harlem Shuffle":

At first glance this song/video may appear dated, sub-par, horrible—even nauseating. But let me draw your attention to the 3:18 mark of the video, when Mick Jagger implores his audience to quote: "Shake a tail feather baby."

There it is. Way back in the mid-80s, when everyone thought the Stones were washed up, they came out with a hit song featuring the very line that would single-handedly inspire the single greatest achievement in American pop culture of the entire 25 years that followed its release.

In short, reinventing ourselves will be "dirty work," and at first the critics are likely to not understand it, but it is essential that we move on from our Jake's/Summit/Vito's/808 roots—indeed, the entire future of the Iowa City bar scene may depend on it. So where do we begin this Friday? Fox Head!

Is there anybody out there?

2010-12-02T13:10:00.010-06:00

Turkey/Tofurkey overload, pre-holiday jitters, cold weather.... So many reasons to stay inside and hide. What can we do to lure you out of your homes, or better things to do, and come out for a drink? Maybe the thought of a new tour, whether bloody or margarita-ey. Maybe the potential for interesting conversations requiring you to choose between sharks and dolphins. Maybe, just maybe, the thought of wonderful people and cozy bars.

So, anyone in?

:(:(:(

A Guest Appearance

2010-11-17T21:29:00.010-06:00

Greetings Malt Maddies! Last Friday I stated that I would be writing this weeks blog post...Well, clearly I am not the most fleet fingered filibuster. Now that I have used my literary skill (alliteration) for the week (in second grade), let me move on and make a valid (vocabulary word of the week) point.

WE ARE BEING INVADED!!!

That's right Malt Maddies! The Ohio State contingent of the Wylder family is making a debut at Happy Hour this week! Now I know that we can be somewhat cantankerous at times so I ask you to put all the tomfoolery aside for a more dignified event this Friday evening. Okay, maybe I'm being a little preemptive, but in my defense one of them is a bleeding Ohio State Buckeye fan!

Don't be fooled by their Dick and Jane appearances. This Jane will be sporting Scarlet and Gray this weekend, so hopefully we can all find it in our hearts to accept her into our frothy frolic of festivities. Well, I think we can discount black mailing any banks this weekend but that is not to say that we won't make quite the hullabaloo at our establishments this weekend. That's right! I said establishments! I think it is only fair that we acculturate these Columbusters to a romp through our marvelous Big Ten town.

Don't worry Nathan, you won't have to walk too far; this isn't Columbus.

Here's the plan:

Let's start out at Joe's Place. This will be the perfect start on the acculturation process as there is quite a bit of history on the walls of Joe's. This will be followed be a pit stop for a Big Girl at Quinton's and to refuel on some grub. After Quinton's let's gear up for a rousing game of photo hunt or shuffle board and a 22 oz. at TCB! So what do you say Maddies?! Does this sound like an evening of entertaining endeavors? I hope to see you all at 6:00pm at Joe's!

First Shown Up, Then Stood Up

2010-11-16T22:05:00.005-06:00

There are pages in every man's history that he hopes never to revisit, but there inevitably comes a time when the cruel hand of Fate foists these shameful chapters back before his eyes.

For me, the evening of 2 July 2007—the night that I: (a) stooped to enter the "Stricken by Chicken" wing eating contest; and (b) proceeded to get my wishbone cracked by my opponent (Philvander Bohlefield)—is one of those chapters.

And last Friday night was when the long-repressed memories all came flooding back.

I don't want Bohlefield!

Exhibit A: the above photo, captured shortly after the contest—which took place at The Vine (I.C.)—came to its conclusion. Notice the emotions written on the lonely visage of the figure to your left: the unmistakable humiliation of defeat; the Spicy Garlic sauce-fueled perspiration of despair; the ignominy of public gluttony teetering on the brink of reversal of fortune; the veritable collage of blacks and varying shades of gray from which the only conceivable lightness was the thought that "at least I'll never feel like this much of a LOSER in The Vine Iowa City again!"

Exhibit B: last Friday at 6pm. A slightly older yet much less ill-looking version of the same figure enters The Vine Iowa City, quickly discovers that none of his crew is there, sits at a booth alone, begins to watch an appalling Jazz-Hawks NBA showdown, and says to the waitress: "I'm expecting some friends soon, but in the meantime I'll have an order of Spicy Garlic wings and a stein."

Time passes. No one arrives. He thinks that he catches the waitress pointing him out to her coworkers, and then laughing. A strangely familiar feeling begins to grip him. He stares down at his sticky hands and the remaining chicken wings, and starts to feel sick to his stomach. "What...is...this feeling?" he asks himself.

And then it hits him: he's in The Vine, he's covered in wing sauce, and he feels like a LOSER. He cries out: "Nooooooo!"

Oh, but I dramatize, I exaggerate, I hyperbolize! I did actually have wings and a beer by myself at Vine IC, but the part I've conveniently failed to mention thus far is that I left my cell phone at home on Friday, so I only have myself to blame for not being synced up to the Coral-Vine loop! (Plus I secretly kind of enjoyed watching that Jazz-Hawks game...)

So now that I've written one of the longest-winded post in Malt Madness history, I think it's time that we get down to the point—or, as Don Henley might say, "The Heart of the Matter"

Namely, what's the plan for Friday? I want in!

Streets Running Red

2010-11-11T15:43:00.008-06:00

Is a new era about to begin? It has been proposed for a round dedicated to finding the greatest and bestest bloody mary. I feel like this is something that did catch the interest of some maddies.

In light of said interest, how about we spend some time this week discussing the possibilities of this new format. As we are all well aware, there are numerous items that need to be considered. Plus, amazing things are created when we put our heads together. It's like that saying, 'Meetings: None of us is as dumb as all of us.'

We are going to need a list of establishments to include in such a tour. This will include the radius of our search, the types of establishment (pub, restaurant, basement, etc.), and the safety records/fire escape routes of potential candidates. Most importantly, we need a rating system. There have been a couple thrown around that we can use or build off of. Perhaps a vote will decide?

So where is a good spot to have such serious libation deliberations? (Somebody might have to bring a pen and paper. I'm serious.)

The Vine ~ 6:00

McLovin Alert!

2010-10-30T11:05:00.004-05:00

We haven't had a compliance check make the paper in a while but, per the P-C, there was a recent Sheriff's Office alcohol compliance check, and we've got a winner (maybe two)!
First off: Pattis' Bar and Grill in Solon failed. Did we know about this place existing, or was it deemed a restaurant?

More importantly, and sadly, our friends at the "Downward-Facing" Dawg House have been caught cheating. Apparently you don't have to be 21 to enjoy a hearty glass of Ice Scoop.

And so...they go on the list:

Smitty's
Nick
HOL
One-Eyed Jake's
Bo James
Dublin
Savvy
Hills Bar & Grill
Slim's Saloon
Donnelly's
Hawkeye Hideway
Vito's
Union
Chappy's Dry Dock
Dawg House

Is This Hobbiton? No, It's Iowa City.

2010-10-28T10:34:00.005-05:00

Though I have not just turned eleventy-one, nor have I 'come of age' (two more years for that to happen), it is time to celebrate Hobbit-style. I cannot afford such an extravagant party as our beloved Bilbo Baggins threw, but we can strive for a peasant Hobbit birthday.

For those of you that may be unfamiliar with a Hobbit birthday party, get ready to live. No, you don't have to have hairy feet. No, you don't have to be short. Yes, you must enjoy some mead and laughing. I will do my best to fulfill the birthday host duties. You heard me: Duties.

With all of that being said. There is still a decision to be discussed. I have a dinner place in mind. However, please weigh in on if we shall start there or head that way after a stop at some other local establishment. I would like to give the Saloon a shot at dinner. I have yet to eat there and every Hobbit loves a little Mexican. Take that however you want.

TCB! to the Saloon

Drinkers beware when on the Job

2010-10-18T09:16:00.003-05:00

It seems Adrian Peterson is not the only one at risk when on the Job. WARNING: Photo might cause extreme lustiness among the ladies (guys as well for that matter).

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

2010-10-11T21:14:00.019-05:00

Come one, come all!! Join us this Friday night in celebration of Jae's birthday, if you can handle it.....

Let's start the night off at The Deadwood (ooooooooo) and make the progression to some haunted house fun in the Iowa City/Cedar Rapids area. The Nightmare Manor and Field of Screams will make you close your eyes and say "it's not real, it's not real, it's not real..."

So check your closet and underneath the bed. Pay no attention to the things that go bump in the night. Brush up on the rules for survival, and we'll see you there.

That is, of course, unless you're SCARED!

DEADWOOD @ 6:00

Date Night in MaltMadia

2010-10-06T14:02:00.005-05:00

I'm not sure how relevant this picture is to the denizens of Malt Madia seeing as none of us live in WY, own a motorbike, or tend any livestock (as far as I know.) I would, however, like to propose that the time has come for Date Night in Malt Madia. Think about it: We've been together for years and years now, but when was the last time we got together, just the 11-15 of us, and spent some real koala tea-time? Traditional fare like dinner + movie sounds nice, but seasonal treats like corn mazes and apple-bobbing are on the table as well. I know there's been talk going around of Sushifish, Haunted Houses, and "That Damned Facebook Movie." Activities like "boot races" aren't quite as romantic as what I had in mind here, so those'll probably get right-shot-down.

The challenge: Can the 11-15 of us come up with an exciting date night sure to make us fall in love with ourselves all over again?

And where do we start with drinks?

BtM's Haus @ 5:30-6ish. (bring something if yalike)

Also on the docket:

Sushifish

Dance Party featuring DJ KV?

Damned FBook Movie?

Febtoberfest!

2010-09-30T16:55:00.012-05:00

According to a survey conducted earlier this week by the Connery Charitable Foundation for the Ethical Treatment of Mollusks, in response to the query, "This is the only cephalopod that starts with Oct," nearly 7 out of 10 retired Scottish actors replied: "Febtopus!"

In actuality, the correct response is "Octopus," as in "Paul the Octopus" (the mollusk who successfully predicted the outcome of eight games during the 2010 FIFA World Cup)—not to be confused with our very own "Axe the Octodad": the mythical member of Malt Madness who successfully sired eight reincarnations of the greatest East Coast rapper of the 1990s.

Anyway, when asked to explain the curious results of the abovementioned study, principal investigator Captain John Patrick Mason speculated that the timing of the survey—the eve of the first day of the month of Febtober—may have influenced the outcome.

Speaking of Febtober, what say you to the idea of celebrating tomorrow, the start of Febtoberfest, by visiting the only place in Iowa City where one can order an authentic German boot—filled to the brim with a conspicuously less authentically German lager like Miller Lite? I speak, of course, of:

Blue Moose Tap House! * Blue Moose Tap House!
Blue Moose Tap House! * Blue Moose Tap House!
Blue Moose Bag Haus! * Blue Moose Drool Boot!

Notorious A.X.E./Gee.aRr.Eee.

2010-09-22T19:50:00.006-05:00

While conducting my usual mid-week stalking of FBook friends, I came upon the album of baby pictures Ann has posted. Even though I had met Grant earlier in the week, when I came upon this particular shot I was immediately overcome with the feeling that I'd seen that face somewhere before; a long time gone, and somewhere not in the Axelson's living room.

It took me not 30 seconds to verify my suspicions that Young Axelson is, in fact, the reincarnation of Biggie Smalls. The only barrier I can see to Grant's career as a rapper is the fact that we already have Eminem. Take note, Axelsons: If you decide to try to raise Grant with *koff* "Urban" *koff* diapers and playsets, there's an excellent chance you'll be celebrating his First Birthday with Diddy in a hot tub of Cris. He's already got celebrity hair--don't blow this for him!

Oh, also, in far less important news, KV destroyed the G*R*E this week. We should probably celebrate that I guess if we have to. What are peeps feeling?

Nick-Nick-Nick-elodeon

Nick-Nick-Nick-adelphia?

Since it's a haul, let's say 6:00

Come one, Come 2-4

2010-09-19T14:40:00.002-05:00

It's time to get Grant-rolled!!! If anyone wants to meet the newest Malt Grant-y (don't call me Maddie as Paul would want), please txt Ann or I and let us know what night you want to come by this week. Please organize in groups no larger than four or so. A good time would be between 7-9 Mon-Thurs. If you txt us earlier in the afternoon we can pinpoint the best time to visit based around his feedings. Paul, Mike, etc. please make sure everyone reads this who normally doesn't check this until later in the week.

Sure, it's sunny in Philly, but IC?

2010-09-16T11:40:00.004-05:00

As the equinox approaches and we lose precious, precious daylight, it is imperative that we of Malt Madness look our tan, delicious best. Today is not a day well disposed to tanning, or much other than sleeping actually, but tomorrow promises to deliver some golden rays of Vitamin D. To that end, I think we should take advantage of one of the outdoor venues whilst the opportunity remains. People like lists:

Gabe's

Atlas

DC's

Joe's

Mill (possibly no outdoors)

Martini's

Quinton's

David's

Saloon

Stork Madness Episode I: An Axe is Born

2010-09-09T09:09:00.003-05:00

Ann & Eric have asked me to pass along some breaking news. I am both thrilled and honored to announce—with barely containable jubilation—that Happy Hour’s original power couple have officially given birth (at around 4:00 this morning) to the first child of Malt Madness: Grant David Axelson!

Let's celebrate this momentous occasion

Tonight @ FOX HEAD!

Aside from gender, name & approximate time of birth—as well as the wonderful news that both Ann & Grant are doing well—I don’t know much else in the way of other details, but I’m confident that such things (e.g., head circumference) shall be revealed in due course by the Pool Master, EtR!

That said, one additional detail I can impart at this time is that—in the midst of the delivery process—the rarest of Daddy Axe “accidents” has repeated itself. I need not specify the exact nature of this mishap, but I do have it on good authority that it had only happened to Axe one time previously: back in ‘87, at age six, when he first met Ann. Below is a picture from that fateful day:

Leopard Print Speedos

2010-09-06T19:57:00.001-05:00

Dr B & 2-P'Axe (shortly before their innocence was forever shattered)

The Great Taste of the Midwest

Happened three weeks ago

And yet "No Event Posting? Really?"

The Red rightly cried out

Since nary a Dicke Frau had yet recounted

"Why the delay?" the blogosphere cried.

Hungover were we still?

Else too busy, or too lazy?

No! In truth, we’ve been too disturbed

Yes, disturbed, as in totally creeped out

Over having witnessed the rarest of spectacles

Unusual in the grossest of ways

“Kill me now,” I said to Axe

In response to the 40-year-old

Lush dude who Jae befriended

Leaning over & handing me his camera

After asking me to photograph him

Bowling (at the Central Waters tent)

In a pair of leopard print speedos

That’s he’d just dropped his shorts to reveal

Cuz he thought it would look great in

His calendar he makes for his family every year

To repeat, the photos referred to above were taken by me, yes, but with his camera—not one of ours. Thus, we (mercifully) did not walk away from the incident with any photographic or video evidence that it actually happened (which it did).

Ah, but we did walk away with some excellent video of a certain Malt Maddie trying her luck at bowling a strike or spare (in order to win a free pint glass from Central Waters Brewery). Enjoy!

Cute Baby Things

2010-09-02T09:28:00.009-05:00

Since no videos of epic bowling feats seem to be forthcoming, here are some cute pictures of animals in utero:

I would name any one of them Madison (although Higgins is arguably a better name for an elephant.) Where to this week, baby?

Phase I: Hokey Pokey 5:30

Phase II: Deadwood

Phase III: ???

Phase IV: $$$Profit$$$

No Event Posting? Really?

2010-08-26T17:44:00.008-05:00

Did any of our regular posters participate in any events that they could share with the group in the form of a posting?

I could have sworn that there was something going on in Wisconsin in the recent past.

There may have even been something else that involved a pig? The pig incident did not happen in Wisconsin, but somewhere closer. That's not to say something fun involving a pig didn't also happen in Wisconsin. Chances are high a pig was also involved there. I'm just sayin'.

I must be completely out of my skull because if any of those things happened, I'm sure there would have been a recounting of some kind via post.

I guess since nothing has happened, we could still get together and talk about the weather or Dicke Frau's or something. What do you say?!?

Coaches Corner ~ 6PM then TBD for the Frau

Ground Control to Major Maltballs?

2010-08-19T13:55:00.003-05:00

Anyone up for some good ol' fashioned Happy Hour!! Students will be back so maybe a more unconventional locale?

THE BAR THAT MUST NOT BE NAMED (jobsite) 5:30ish

What becomes of us?

2010-08-12T11:00:00.009-05:00

While Madness' Chosen People will be going to a better place this weekend, some of us have been forsaken in the rapture that is the Great Taste Ticket Lottery. Before the plague and pestilence and all that fun stuff strikes us down, perhaps there is somewhere those of us left behind could seek...hmm...Shelter? Refuge? Asylum? What's the word I'm after here, people?

SANCTUARY 6:00

Malt Madness Greatest Hits

2010-08-07T12:00:00.003-05:00

Since we are no doubt one of the best things to hit IC and JoCo in years, I think it's important that Malt Madness does not forget where it came from. For that reason, I've taken the time to put together a collection of some of Malt Madness' best pics/posts.

While looking back over the history of our blog, I realized that many of our favorite posts are more about a provocative image than the substance, and it's in that regard that we share similarities with a gentlemen's magazine. Maybe that's why our erotic photohunting skills are phenomenal. I also realized that Mr. MB and Mr. GW photoshop well, and that I really, really hope Mr. GW sees this post.

Feel free to bring up other classic posts if you wish, as I realized I was maybe going overboard with this and also lost track a bit of which month/year I was looking at (noting that I left off the posts with video since I couldn't easily create a thumbnail ). Each thumbnail mouses-over to the full image and links to its original post to make it easy to enjoy some of the stellar documentation of our history.

I apologize for the formatting of this in different browsers, if it's a problem. When I view it in IE8 it looks kinda jacked up for me, but Firefox and Chrome look ok.

Sad Keanu Is Very Sad

2010-08-05T16:07:00.008-05:00

It sounds like a slow week. That makes Keanu very sad. He has tried to find places to hang out. The Situation booth at Deadwood just wasn't the same with strangers.

He also tried hanging out at the Mill because of the awesome patio. Nobody showed up. How sad. No Mary. No Michael. No Axe. No Ann. No Garza.

Won't anybody show up to hang out with poor, poor Keanu? He does have a few bites of his sandwich he will share... DA MOOSE @ 6

Guess what time of year it is :)

2010-07-27T20:34:00.004-05:00

It only two weeks until my birthday!! I am proposing celebrating me this Friday, and all my glory! Jana the Great will be out and about, as well as Ben's salsa lovin' friend, this is the perfect opportunity for fun! What do ya say??

(gifts are not required, but will be happily accepted)

Looks like it's Jobsite to Joe's, and from there, who knows!

Fun Jana

2010-07-26T22:16:00.001-05:00

Fun Jana will be out and about on Friday night....don't say I didn't warn you. You should plan accordingly.

Have Our SPLAWs Come Between Us?

2010-07-22T12:51:00.006-05:00

The 19th edition of the World Cup, which ended two Sundays ago, was a mostly marvelous tournament. But in the final match-up between Spain and the Netherlands—two nations that have historically played the “beautiful game” with rare style and class—things unexpectedly turned rather ugly. Before it was all said and done, the referee disciplined 13 different players for foul play, culminating in a red card to Dutch defender Johnny Heitinga.

In a not dissimilar vein, the 2nd installment of the Malt Madness tournament, which concluded two Fridays ago, was a predominantly pleasant affair—that is until the championship bout between TCB! and The Mill, when things got a bit ~~cleated~~ heated:

With our powers combined, Les Malt Maddies flashed 13 furious SPLAWs—one for every yellow card issued in the ESP-NED game—resulting not only in a 7-6 TCB! victory, but in a divided Happy Hour troupe to boot. One week later, with emotions still running high, we thought that playing the Red's card might get our group back in sync. But, oh, how wrong we were; far from getting back on track, we couldn't even manage to sit on the same side of the restaurant, let alone at the same table! Tellingly, we segregated almost entirely along Mill/TCB! lines, with Ann the only exception (as a Mill voter sitting at an otherwise TCB! table).

Perhaps we can at last begin the difficult task of putting the past behind us...at THE VINE followed perhaps by ORCHARD GREEN...

Champion of JoCo!

2010-07-10T14:27:00.004-05:00

In a somewhat shocking final result last night, #1 seed and reigning champion Mill was thwarted by # 2 seed TCB!, 7-6, to give us a new victor. While the night might be remembered for ~~hula hoop, Castro, Edsel is a no go~~ hula hoops, our erotic photohunting prowess on full display and, inexplicably yet again, Gabe's chest (seriously, we need to find a new hobby), it's the pizza box that told the story:

And so, after starting this round of ratings with Brumm's post on 8/21/2008 and our Malt Madness II tournament on 1/8/2010, our nearly two-year journey has ended (and now Axe can always remember his anniversary as "the day TCB! won").

La Roja v Oranje

2010-07-08T10:01:00.009-05:00

What a weekend we have upcoming. Tomorrow night we settle this escapade once and for all. MILL v TCB!! Then we have the World Cup Final on Sunday to crown a first-time champion in either Spain or Netherlands. Should we go to TCB or Mill first? Mill has specials earlier on but TCB is TCB (cherry bombs, cmon!!) I propose Mill first but am open to persuasion.

SEE U AT ORANJE (Mill)

Bowling Anyone?

2010-07-01T09:21:00.004-05:00

As we all know, tournament time can be very stressful. It is not easy work sitting there drinking beer, eating, and formulating plans to take over downtown Iowa City. That's not even mentioning the burden of rating these establishments with our own very scientific SPLAW.

With that being said, I think those of us still around town this weekend could use a little R&R. My good friend, Roger Lutsky, has told me numerous times that bowling is a perfect way to enjoy some down time.

So - are you game?

Happy Birthday

2010-06-30T15:48:00.002-05:00

See all you Real Americans next week.

Semifinal #2 results

2010-06-26T10:46:00.001-05:00

In a matchup of this tournament's lone Cinderella vs the reigning champ...

Foxhead's bid to ride its Dicke Frau into the finals came up just short, so the winner is...

Mill!

7-4

Final tally:

MB: MMF=F :F

EA: M===F :F - dicke frau

AD: MMMMF : M

EG: FFFFF :F - Dicke Frau

BC: MM=FM :M - Patio

KV: MMMFF: M

PV: M==MF: M

JG: MMMMM: M

GW: MMMMM :M - beer garden

JM: MFMFM: M
GK: FMFFF :F

The Times They Are A-Changin'

2010-06-22T09:19:00.008-05:00

It has been a tragic stretch for many of us Generation X/Y/Z-ers lately. RIP Manute and Gary. Heaven now has one formidable pick-up team. SEE U ALL @ FOXHEAD

Semifinal #1 results

2010-06-13T19:33:00.005-05:00

In a matchup of two of our titans, the vote did not disappoint.

With our first result by criteria (that wasn't marred by a partial boycott), semifinal #1 goes to...

TCB!

5-5 (29-21)

Final tally (I'll put them here since I don't think everyone checks the bracket):

MB: TVTT= :T

EA: TVT=V :V

MW: TVTTT :V

EG: TVTTV :T

BC: TVVVV :V -the clutchest!

KV: TV=VV :V

PV: TV=TT :T

JG: TVTTV :V

GW: TVTTT :T - pool, shuffleboard and big buck safari

JM: TVVTT :T

Birthday Week!

2010-06-08T19:57:00.003-05:00

There's no joking around this week; it's a birthday week. We all saw what happened on the blog last week, and I'm afraid that if we screw this up, someone could end up looking like this (and that's the blood of all of us):

So, here are the options that I've heard bandied about:
1) We postpone tourney action in favor of a birthday selection. Gabe's was thrown out as a potential choice. This option would possibly be combined with a Foxhead/Mill double dip in a later week
2) Kelsey chooses from either the Foxhead or Mill (or both) for her birthday, and we go cross-bracket for the semi's.
3) We go to Vine IC since it's technically our next location on the bracket, and live in fear for the rest of our days that Kelsey will cause us great harm.
4) We choose an option from #1-3 and then Kelsey doesn't even show up.

Discuss.

"World's Best" Kernels Game?

2010-05-29T23:20:00.005-05:00

In the history of class A Midwest League baseball, there may never have been a night like May 29th, 2010, and it is for this reason this post cannot wait until later in the week.

Our beloved Cedar Rapids Kernels bested the dastardly Wisconsin Timber Rattlers 8-3 in what was probably the least interesting part of the night. It was also Star Wars night, where a storm trooper proposed to his non-storm trooper lady friend, Princess Leia and the Tooth Fairy cleaned the bases, and a red bloodshot eyeball and cheese pizza both won mid-inning races. We were also pleasantly surprised by a rare Jana (JtG) sighting in our ticket line, even though she chose to not sit anywhere near us. But perhaps the most interesting, nay, most amazing sight was the gentleman seated near us on the lawn proudly donning his "World's Best Cat Litter" shirt. Sensing this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, I asked him for a picture, only to have him tell me that he was one of the developers of said litter! I have no choice but to take his word on it (because he was wearing the t-shirt)

I feel truly sorry for those cat lovers amongst us who were "busy with their families" and missed out on the chance to meet someone so integral to the making of (arguably, for Axe's sake) the finest litter on the market today.

If this is what a normal night at the ballpark looks like, count me in.

The Moment We've All Been Waiting For...

2010-05-26T08:03:00.002-05:00

Stale

2010-05-20T13:36:00.004-05:00

Alright, the post from a fortnight ago was getting a bit stale. It's probably better suited for croutons than olive oil at this point.

Point being, it's time to inject some energy into our tournament. With all the weddings and beer tastings/impromptu photo shoots, we've lost sight of what is important. And what is important is that we keep moving this thing forward.

Dublin or Foxhead, people?

Rehearsal HH

2010-05-06T08:21:00.004-05:00

Many of us will be at the rehearsal dinner during HH time tomorrow. Since I know many of us will not want to miss Dublin v. Foxhead, maybe you non-rehearsal types could go to a non-bracket bar or two? One idea is to go to Flannigan's and make so much noise that all of Mike and Mary's family at the Power Company ask, "Who the hell are those hooligans?"

QUINTON's then Bells Tasting at Hideaway

2010-04-29T15:13:00.001-05:00

5:30.

Boon or Bust?

2010-04-22T08:27:00.007-05:00

Who are we going to draft into the next round this week? Double, Single, Da Dip Dip?

(1) Mill vs (9) *****SEE U @ OG, Home of the $10 Paddle!*****

(5) Dublin vs (13) Foxhead

Ready for Make Party!

2010-04-14T16:55:00.009-05:00

Now lookit this guy. Lookit this lil' guy right here. Not only is he going green, but he's well prepared for an evening at Firewater (or OEJake's.) Three cheers for this lil' guy for thinking ahead.

Speaking of thinking ahead, have any of us thought ahead to where we'll be relaxing this Friday, and what our theory is on the DoubleDippage?

DoubleDippin
(2) TCB!??? vs (7) Martini's???--'tini's first

Going On A Bender (Of Gender)?

2010-04-08T11:12:00.004-05:00

Three things, the latter 2 of which are related. First off, in the wake of Joe's Place's recent quasi-lukewarm reception and similar lacklusterish sentiments felt regarding Vine IC, one has to ask: Have Malt Madness' "clutches" become crutches? Perhaps we'll find out tomorrow evening at Vine Iowa City.

Second, what a recent span of Malt Madness happenings it’s been! From the amazing video that killed whatever it was that killed the video that killed the radio star to the biggest announcement since the birth of the most profoundly un-monozygotic twins in history to the news that Iowa Beer Lovers Fought The Law And The Law DIDN’T Win! to the most unusual overall SPLAW in history, it has been a wild 2010. Surely this streak of huge events / announcements cannot continue…

And thirdly, as I’ve already shared with some of you, I have this theory that (a) as the amount of time between Mary’s and my wedding date and the present date continues to decrease, (b) my genuine interest in things like centerpieces and flowers seems to be increasing; ergo (c) the size of my "Y" sex chromosome relative to the size of my "X" sex chromosome is apparently decreasing. Thus by May 8, it may look kind of like this:

XY

All of which leads me to my own announcement. As I reflect on (a) my desire for Malt Madness to continue its streak of big happenings paired with (b) my inability to deny any longer the now indisputable developments regarding my own chromosomal makeup, I am left with only one choice, which is to reveal some big personal news to you all...in the form of this picture (taken of me last night):

Whether my "experimentation" will remain in effect tomorrow night remains to be seen. For starters, while Mary loves Johnny Depp, she's not yet sure how she feels about me going Ed Wood on her...

Elite 8 ... On Ice Again?!!?

2010-04-01T09:09:00.005-05:00

A good chunk of the vets could be gone again this week due to Good Friday/Easter so I will put up the matchups but we might want to defer again.

(1) Mill vs (9) OG
(5) Dublin vs (13) Foxhead
(2) TCB! vs (7) Martini's
(3) Joe's Place vs (6) Vine IC

First Round in Books, Barely

2010-03-21T18:39:00.003-05:00

Well team, we've managed to "successfully" maneuver our way through the first round of Malt Madness Tourney II. However, MM has amazed me yet again. In all of my years of happy houring, I have yet to see anything quite like the final matchup of round 1.

In an unprecedented display, the members (BC, MB, KV) that made the drive to Shuey's decided to buck a tournaments-old rule requiring an overall vote (if a vote is cast) in order to simply vote "Present" in protest, leaving the vote in the hands of the absentee-ers(EG and PV). Remarkably, this resulted to a 1-1 tie, cumulating in our first winner "by criteria" in this tournament. After tallying, Martini's advances by a thin 1-1-3 (6-4) margin, (16-8) if you want to somehow include the individual vote of the 3 travelers. I suppose based on the conversations we've had previously about this pairing, nothing less should have been expected.

And so, we move forward with the following matchups for the 2nd round:
(1) Mill vs (9) OG
(5) Dublin vs (13) Foxhead
(2) TCB! vs (7) Martini's
(3) Joe's Place vs (6) Vine IC

GUS' @ 7, 4 UNI

You heard me.

2010-03-18T11:26:00.004-05:00

Shuey's 6ish.

They Took His Jerb!

2010-03-10T09:20:00.002-06:00

So by now I'm sure most of us in MM have heard the terrific news about the availability of truly excellent beers in our state starting today. No more will IA be a beer desert! This is certainly cause celebre!

But let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Let's think how the structural changes to our fair state's beer distribution system will affect the little guy. Particularly, this little guy shown above. It sounds like John's is a) suddenly on the hook for a lot of high $$$ kegs that they can no longer sell to places like Orchard Green or Red's and b) likely to lose a fair amount of distribution bidness. In other words, by opening up the world of beer to the MM gang, Gov. Culver may very well have Taken this little guy's Jerb!

So in conclusion, as we're celebrating Foxhead come this Friday, it may well be our moral duty to pop over and pick up a bottle or two of something interesting--you know, help the little guy. Save his jerb.

Foxhead 5:30.

Big Announcement

2010-03-04T07:15:00.008-06:00

That's right!! I am only the second man after Arnold Schwarzenegger to be expecting a baby (in September no less). I am not feeling too bad so far, just a little tired and run down. Ann and I plan to name the baby Caulifornia in honor of Arnold. DISCLAIMER ... OK, parts of this picture and the above story are inaccurate. My better half is actually pregnant but we are expecting in September and Danny DeVito is our doctor so we know we are in good hands (with Allstate). Axe is drinking for three (already have been for three months)!!! Let's celebrate @:

(4) SEE U @ SANCTUARY vs (13) Foxhead;
(7) Martini's vs (10) Shuey's?

Quick Lovin

2010-02-26T23:45:00.000-06:00

I feel bad being the one to post after the best movie clip ever, however, there was another round of alcohol compliance checks in the city, with NO bars that failed, and in the county, where I have to report that Chappy's Dry Dock did not pass.

This brings our unofficial list to:

Smitty's
Nick
HOL
One-Eyed Jake's
Bo James
Dublin
Savvy
Hills Bar & Grill
Slim's Saloon
Donnelly's
Hawkeye Hideway
Vito's
Boston's (not rated)
Union (not rated)
Chappy's Dry Dock

Any Close Calls Out There?

2010-02-22T23:44:00.005-06:00

(4) Sanctuary vs (13) Foxhead;
(7) Martini's vs (10) Shuey's;
(6) Vine IC vs (11) Fieldhouse @ 5:30

Malt Maddie P.I.

2010-02-17T08:21:00.008-06:00

Our faithful sleuth, Malt Maddie P.I., has been piecing together the clues of Erik the Red's supposed Montana business trip for the past week. His investigation started with the revelation by Paul via Google Analytics that there was no Malt Madness visits from Montana. Erik the Red confessed that his iPhone was pinging from Minneapolis so maybe he was actually there rather than Montana as he claimed. Well, Malt Maddie had an op in Minneapolis to check that out and Axe reported back that Erik the Red was no where to be found in MPLS either. Well, where the H-E-DoubleHockeySticks was this formerly noble member of HH. Photographic evidence below indicates he was in a hotel somewhere but had lost his mental faculties. Too much Templeton Rye, most likely.

(8) Quinton's vs (9) Orchard Green @ 5:30;
(4) Sanctuary vs (13) Foxhead;
(7) Martini's vs (10) Shuey's; or
(6) Vine IC vs (11) Fieldhouse?

5 Rings and Other Things

2010-02-09T20:47:00.001-06:00

Well, team, just like the rest of the world, it appears that our attention may turn to the north come this Friday with a visit to Red's Alehouse in its match-up with TCB! (Think of Red's like the yellow ring, maybe...). It should be noted, however, that we might be short-handed, so a discussion regarding attendance, or at least some comments to gauge what sort of numbers we're looking at, would be appropriate. Maybe our new Olympic-mascot friends Sumi, Quatchi and Miga will show up, even though they could not vote (A side note: the one with the bionic hat is technically the mascot for the Paralympics).

Quickly recapping TCB!:
*Numerous beers and some Long Islands were consumed, along with some Templeton Rye (well, the LIs were only by me, I think)
* Happy Joe's pizza made its first MM appearance, mostly successfully.
* Kelsey and Paul gave an Olympic preview by whooping Gabe and Ted at Shuffleboard (aka Shufflepuck)
* the MM team set the high score at erotic photohunt
* 3D wangs (and other 3D body parts) were mentioned many times.

I've also swiped the competition schedule from the Wikipedia article, so we can make sure not to miss any ~~figure skating~~ curling action.

●	Opening ceremony		Event competitions	●	Event finals		Exhibition gala	●	Closing ceremony

February	12 F	13 S	14 S	15 M	16 T	17 W	18 T	19 F	20 S	21 S	22 M	23 T	24 W	25 T	26 F	27 S	28 S	Gold medals
Alpine skiing		●	●		●	●		●	●	●			●		●	●		10
Biathlon		●	●		●●		●●			●●		●			●			10
Bobsleigh										●			●			●		3
Cross-country skiing				●●		●●		●	●		●●		●	●		●	●	12
Curling															●	●		2
Figure skating				●			●				●			●				4
Freestyle skiing		●	●							●		●	●	●				6
Ice hockey														●			●	2
Luge			●		●	●												3
Nordic combined			●									●		●				3
Short track		●				●			●●				●		●●●			8
Skeleton								●●										2
Ski jumping		●							●		●							3
Snowboarding				●	●	●	●								●	●		6
Speed skating		●	●	●	●	●	●		●	●		●	●			●●		12
Total gold medals		6	6	5	6	7	5	4	6	6	4	4	6	5	7	7	2	86
Ceremonies	●																●
February	12 F	13 S	14 S	15 M	16 T	17 W	18 T	19 F	20 S	21 S	22 M	23 T	24 W	25 T	26 F	27 S	28 S

I also feel the need to note that I had a dream last night whereby a blog that some of us are very familiar with, the "Hlog," linked to us. Alas, 'twas not true.

Also, according to the CR Gazette, the 3D porn movie Kelsey and Jae were hyping up has been canceled.

Happy Birthday, Mr Vollmersident!

2010-02-03T23:41:00.004-06:00

Last Friday at Joe's, I learned from Megan and Paul that Mercer typically doesn't do anything to honor employees' birthdays. Ah, but today was anything but typical. Check this footage:

Happy birthday, Paul! As for this week's destination, what's it gonna be...

(8) Quinton's vs (9) Orchard LaBoofe;
(4) Stanctuary vs (13) Foxhead;
(2) TCB! vs (15) Red's Toothouse;
(7) Gastini's vs (10) Shuey's; or
(6) Vine IC vs (11) Flatushouse?

Game.Plan.Be T.C.B! @ Five.Thir.Tee

2010-01-27T13:04:00.010-06:00

Was it a "Fumblerooski" or a "$h!T-your-pantski" that cost the Vikings a trip to the Super Bowl? And is Adrian "Fumble F&©K!@G Fingers" Peterson (pictured below) or Brett "Big-game Bumbling Ball-Dropping B@$t@®d" Favre (pictured above) more to blame?

These are questions that sport analysts, blouse-wearing 80s pop icons from Paisley Park, and bandanna-laden sociopaths from JobSite will be discussing for years to come.

But what about Joe's Place? Will the #3 seed live up to its ranking, defeat Shakespeare's, and move on to the Malt Madness II quarterfinals? Or will JP pull an AP and drop the ball?

This Friday will decide it.
Joe's Place
5:30

My Creativity Is Frozen!

2010-01-21T11:12:00.005-06:00

A wise man -- much wiser than me -- once said that "Frozen Brains Tell No Tales." The only thing I'd add to that bona fide proverb is that "Frozen Brains Must Not Blog Too Good (Either)," cos this here love child of Mother Nature and Mr Freeze seems to have derailed my creative juices even more than it derailed Iowa City Transit yesterday.

Ah, but if there's one thing that can warm these synapses back up, it's a Malt Madness Round of 16 showdown! So which will it be?

Eclectic (not sure what you want? find it here):

(8) Quinton's vs (9) Orchard Green

Intimate (rainy or snowy? come settle in):

(4) Sanctuary vs (13) Foxhead

In/Out (it's an IC vs JoCo throwdown):

(2) TCB vs (15) Red's Alehouse
(7) Martini's vs (10) Shuey's

Clutch, with a side of fries (which titan will emerge?)

(3) Joe's Place vs (14) Meet at Shakespeare's at 5:30!

(6) Vine IC vs (11) Fieldhouse

Where To?

2010-01-13T11:59:00.007-06:00

Howdy Ho Vols!!! It's Lane Kiffey the Christmas Shite!!! Happy New Year, Suckers!!!! What matchup do you all want to partake in this week?

Eclectic (not sure what you want? find it here):
(8) Quinton's vs (9) Orchard Green
Intimate (rainy or snowy? come settle in):
(4) Sanctuary vs (13) Foxhead
(12) SEE U @ OCBW @ 5:30 vs (5) Dublin
In/Out (it's an IC vs JoCo throwdown):
(2) TCB vs (15) Red's Alehouse
(7) Martini's vs (10) Shuey's
Clutch, with a side of fries (which titan will emerge?)
(3) Joe's Place vs (14) Shakespeare's
(6) Vine IC vs (11) Fieldhouse

Bracket Time

2010-01-04T19:09:00.012-06:00

SEE U @ IC Ugly's (and maybe the MILL) No pictures today, people. Just business. This is 2010 (Happy New Year, btw). With the votes in now from all 12 of our raters with over 15 SPLAWs, we can finalize the bracket.

The automatic bids:
1)Mill
2)TCB
3)Joe's Place
4)Sanctuary
5)Dublin
6)Vine IC
7)Martini's
8)Quinton's
9)Orchard Green
10)Shuey's
11)Field House
12)OCBW

The at-large results:
x)Foxhead (11 votes)
x)Shakespeare's (9 votes)
x)Red's (5 votes)

and in a tie with 4 votes:
x)IC Ugly's
x)Hilltop
x)Charlie's

By virtue of its 19 SPLAW, IC Ugly's gets the last bid!

Quick voting notes: Red's was the lowest possible entrant with an 18 SPLAW. A handful of votes were received for bars that the voter didn't SPLAW. There was also a vote for a place that the voter 14-SPLAWed during the regular season. Foxhead got votes from all but one voter. Kandyland was the only bar not to get an at-large vote.

MATCH-UPS

I've labeled each "region" (assisted by MW) for ease of discussion.

Eclectic (not sure what you want? find it here):
(1) Mill vs (16) IC Ugly's

(8) Quinton's vs (9) Orchard Green

Intimate (rainy or snowy? come settle in):
(4) Sanctuary vs (13) Foxhead

(5) Dublin vs (12) Old Capitol Brew Works

In/Out (it's an IC vs JoCo throwdown):
(2) TCB vs (15) Red's Alehouse

(7) Martini's vs (10) Shuey's

Clutch, with a side of fries (which titan will emerge?)
(3) Joe's Place vs (14) Shakespeare's

(6) Vine IC vs (11) Fieldhouse

Let the games begin!

2009-12-19T12:14:00.012-06:00

With Sanctuary now in the books, it appears that this "round" of ratings is complete at a staggering 65 establishments. With a tourney next in our minds, we need to get some business done.

I've created a new link on the right to the final ratings/rankings along with some basic breakdown of each of your individual rater stats. Should you want to see how you stack up or refresh yourself on any of our establishments, it's right there for you.

Based on our ratings, the following 12 places have earned their way into our 16-bar bracket:
Mill
TCB
Joe's Place
Dublin
Sanctuary
Vine IC
Martini's
Quinton's
Orchard Green
Shuey's
Field House
OCBW (technically this is a tie with IC Ugly's, but I went the one with a lower std deviation. we can discuss if needed)

Our discussions seem to have come to the conclusion that we will select the 4 wildcard entries from the list of bars that have SPLAWed an 18 or higher:

Your task, fellow members on the journey, is to somehow choose 4, and only 4 from the list above to make the tournament. It won't be easy, but you can do it.
Email your choices to our newly created email address Malt.Madness@gmail.com
This will also be a test to see how much spam we can acquire by posting our email on our blog.